{3} Heartfelt Confessions

‘I had been sent to Kinloch Hold for, what, a full year? It sure felt like a year. Or many. I tried as best I could to put the torture I suffered at the hands of Uldred and his lackeys behind me. At times, it seemed too much to ask of me. But the Maker helped me through this. As well as the memory of her coming to save me. She did return. And rescued me, as well as many others, even when she could have left the last templars to die...’

She listened to his confession in utter silence. His gaze stared into nothingness; his eyes ranging from wide open to tightly shut, mirroring the full spectrum of emotions he felt while reliving the past ten years.

‘Then, I was sent to Kirkwall. I had never been to the Free Marches. I was not sure what awaited me there. When I arrived, I saw how mages were treated. Knight-Commander Meredith kept a tight control over them, and many more arrived at the city every day. Amongst them was the Champion’s sister, Bethany.’

‘I saw her a few times accompanying him whenever he...well, everyone knows how he restored his family’s heirloom.’ — he said, not wanting to go into sordid details — ‘Anyway, after Hawke returned from the Deep Roads, I performed my duty as was expected of me. Never mind that Bethany was nothing like the rogue mages or the escapees from the Gallows. She was an apostate, I thought. Her place was in the Circle. Nowadays, I’m not so sure I would agree with pulling families apart like that.’

‘That was my first year in Kirkwall. Everything was doing fine. The mages were locked where they should be, while templars dealt with the rogue mages who threatened to invade. As for the Knight-Commander, she was ever vigilant and trusted my advice...I never felt more righteous. For the first time after a long nightmare, the scattered pieces of my life were coming together. And I owed it to Meredith. ’

His expression ranged from proud to disgust.

‘At first, I adored her. She knew what the threat of rogue mages meant. I wholeheartedly agreed with her zero tolerance policy and she quickly promoted me after my first year working in the Order. I felt as though I had been summoned to a higher calling. Now I’d have the chance to prevent mages like Uldred from rising to power and harming innocents. Everything was perfect. Until that Grey Warden went missing.’ — he swallowed, prepared to reveal the second time she had unwillingly entered his life. Thinking back, he couldn’t help an unbidden thought: never something good was about to happen when he heard about her once more. It was either darkspawn or mages. Never.

‘What Grey Warden?’

‘Nathaniel Howe. The sole male heir to the traitorous Howe family. I’m sure you heard of him.’

He was absolutely right. The Trevelyans were one who hastily cut ties with the Howes after Arl Rendon’s treachery was revealed. In secret, her family still supported Loghain MacTir. Or at least her relatives did. Until the bastard, long-forgotten son of Maric sprung from nowhere and seized the throne with the help of Bann Teagan and Loghain went to join what was left of the Grey Wardens. How could she forget? The story had practically become a cautionary tale to all noble houses in Ferelden. The irony of power struggles and their unpredictability was never absent during dinner conversations.

‘He was in Kirkwall, then? What was he doing so far away from Ferelden?’

Cullen wet his lips before carrying on.

‘One of his associates asked Hawke to help find him. Apparently he had left on an expedition to the Deep Roads and was never seen again. At the time, this stirred all sorts of rumours and soon enough, everyone in the city thought he had been accompanying the Hero of Ferelden in some dangerous assignment. Ugh, people should mind what they say a lot more.’  he said, bitterly.

‘Did you believe that?’

‘Some part of me did. And that brought back feelings I thought I had finally gotten rid of. Turns out they were only locked away, along with the same part of me I never intended to revisit, ever again. I didn’t know I was making a mistake. You can never live if you don’t feel whole. But those were turbulent times. Or were about to become so. No one was sure of what the future would hold. I certainly didn’t.’

He stared at the envelope, caressing Amell’s name with his index, deep in thought.

‘As it happened, Meredith soon ordered me to investigate. The viscount was worried this could mean a darkspawn invasion in Kirkwall. He couldn’t send the guards; they only patrolled the city streets. And Kirkwall didn’t have an army ever since the Templar Order grew in strength. But when I finally gathered enough templars to lead an expedition, Hawke had already left to the Deep Roads. I had my orders. Unknowingly, I followed the trail of corpses he and his companions left behind. Maker, Hawke sure did get results. I’m glad we never became enemies, not even when he supported the mage rebellion years later.’

‘When we finally made it into the first thaig, Howe was already there. He had just finished wiping out the last of the darkspawn in the area and told us Hawke had returned to Kirkwall through another thaig. I questioned the Grey Warden presence so near the city, but he assured me there was nothing to be afraid of. The darkspawn were not amassing near Kirkwall as the Warden-Commander originally believed. Still, she had sent him there to investigate.’

‘She?’

‘Yes.’ - Cullen said fondly  ‘After the Blight, she had become leader of the Order in Ferelden. And as it turned out, she had briefly travelled from Amaranthine to the Free Marches in the hopes of investigating more sources of darkspawn upheaval.’

‘Did she go to Kirkwall?’  she asked tentatively.

His voice became more subdued.

‘No. As Howe told me, her mission had taken her to another city, more to the west, where it was said some mages knew enough about blood magic and its relation to the taint. At that time, I worried for her. A mage, a woman I knew that would never become entangled with blood magic and demons, studying it up close? Something didn’t feel right.’  he said in a low tone.

‘Why?’

‘You wouldn’t know. Kirkwall was being assaulted daily by blood mages coming from nearby cities and even faraway places like Starkhaven. Still, Howe reassured me it was nothing of the sort. Well, what would he know? Like every other innocent, he was blind to the constant danger a mage was exposed!’ —he growled ‘I swear, at that moment, I almost renounced my post as Knight-Captain just to go after her and tell her to stop this madness. Consorting with blood mages...Maker’s breath, as if I didn’t have enough on my plate.’

A brief silence fell between them.

‘You wanted to see her again that badly?’

After a moment of hesitation, he admitted he did. Nothing escaped her notice.

‘I... couldn’t just let this go. I had to know she was safe. I had to know she was away from harm. So I stalled him. I asked Howe to come to Kirkwall and talk to the viscount. To tell him in person all he told me about the Warden-Commander. At first, he refused. Then I insisted he would be much more relieved if a Grey Warden in person told him the news. Besides, the viscount might’ve wanted to ask him some questions.’

‘Did he accept that?’

‘He couldn’t say no. The viscount had indeed ordered Meredith to bring as much information as possible on the matter. I daresay he was quite pleased to be reassured by a Warden himself that there was no further cause for concern.’

‘And what about you? You were still worried about her...’

His lips curved in an affectionate grin.

‘I used the small amount of time I had while those two chatted to write her a quick message. Nothing... compromising, should someone other than her read it. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or her.’

She thought he was adorable, but kept this to herself.

‘I delivered it to Howe as I escorted him back to the gates of the city and told him this was a warning from the Knight-Commander against the rogue mages that endangered the Free Marches. The Warden-Commander should be made aware of it before having any further dealings with the mages.’

‘Did you hope she’d come to Kirkwall?’

‘I...don’t know. I hoped...I hoped she’d know where I was. That perhaps she’d want to...it’s complicated. There was so much that had been left unsaid between us. I only wanted to see her again, to tell her all the things I could never before, to apologize for how I spoke to her the last time we met. At the time, I...didn’t even know if Howe had delivered my message.’

‘Because she never showed up? But she did write you back, didn’t she?’  she held the letter signed by Amell on her hands, uncertain.

‘No. Not at that time.’  was the melancholic reply.