{4} The Post-Meredith Years

‘By the time I heard from her again, things had changed. It was already too late for me to hope for something more. The Knight-Commander had purged the city from mages, invoking the Right of Annulment. It was genocide. And I, of all people, stood with her through this. I should’ve known better.’  each syllable dripped bitterness  ‘After Hawke departed, I gathered the rest of the templars and tried to restore a semblance of order.’

‘Why stay? The city no longer had a viscount, right? And most of the people had been killed or fled.’

‘The nobility still ruled the city. As it happened, they named a triumvirate and tried to keep Kirkwall’s politics, trade and main economy running. I was named Knight-Commander shortly after and worked with what was left of the city guard to ensure the safety of the remaining citizens. Aveline and I had our hands full. Those were troubled times. As if the Circle’s implosion hadn’t been enough, the mage rebellion erupted just a year later. Our borders were swarming with refugees yet again, and some of them were criminals in hiding. We had trouble keeping rogue mages from invading the city, threatening to kill templars and abduct people to sacrifice to the demons. More than once, we may have condemned innocents. Maker’s breath, it was a nightmare.’  he let out a heavy sigh, combing his hair with his fingers and messing it up a bit.

‘What about her? Did you hear from her after the mage rebellion? Could she have been involved?’ —she asked, concerned.

‘That’s what I thought at the time. I asked everywhere for news about the Warden-Commander, if she had heard of what happened in Kirkwall and if the Wardens had any sign of Anders. He was one of them; maybe he went into hiding among their ranks?’

‘Do you think the Order would harbor a criminal, even if he once belonged to it?’  she mildly reprimanded him.

Cullen snorted. She had said the obvious. Of course she was right. But he wasn’t really looking for Anders, was he?

His eyes glinted and his voice was heavy with emotion.

‘I had to try. She could’ve still been in the Free Marches. And with Meredith gone, I...’

Suddenly, he frowned and the dreamy look disappeared from his visage.

‘I received a letter from Weisshaupt, where they demanded we handed Anders to them. I replied shortly at first, saying we had no idea where one of THEM had been hiding. As far as I was concerned, the apostate just ran away during the war on the streets. But then I realized this was the chance I had been waiting for. I remembered the Champion had gone with Anders to the Deep Roads. Then I remembered Howe and him were acquainted. If Anders would seek anyone, it was perhaps him. And since the Warden-Commander was acquainted with them both, perhaps there was a link there that was worth investigating.’

‘Sounds elaborate.’

‘It was. Any avenue I could explore, I did. I just wanted a sign that she was alive and well. It took a few months, but I did get one. It was...certainly not what I expected.’  his voice betrayed his disappointment.

He swallowed hard, trying to carry on.

‘There had been some rumor regarding her...covert association with King Alistair Theirin.’

‘Ah. Yes. That.’  she replied, knowing of what unpleasant rumor he spoke about.

‘I thought it was just made up gossip from envious nobles. The fact is that a lot of people hated Alistair rising to the Ferelden throne. More even so that a Grey Warden, someone originated from an Order of former criminals, had helped with his coronation. It was an outrage. In the eyes of such people, the only mitigating fact was his marriage to Anora. She was the stabilizing influence. As I was told, right after the wedding, she had already been successful in assuring the nobles they’d keep their privileges. I can scarcely imagine the revolution that would’ve swept throughout the bannorns had Alistair taken the throne for himself.’

‘Bann Teagan sure would have desired it, if it were possible.’  she replied dryly.

‘Politics.’  he smirked.

‘Yeah.’

...

She held the letter in her hand, gazing at it absent-mindedly. It was enough to prompt the Commander to finish his confession.

‘I wrote and I wrote to Weisshaupt and then to Amaranthine for weeks, for months. I waited for any reply that would tell me she was alive. But all I got was silence.’

‘I began to hate myself for my obsession. My ill-advised infatuation for her, as I used to call it. I don’t know what I was expecting. She had already moved on. She was a bloody hero, now. And yet, I couldn’t let her go. Not when she had been the closest we could be in years.’

‘And then, the rumor came. The Warden-Commander had been seen one last time with King Alistair right before he departed from the Free Marches. And the both of them were intimate. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. He had returned to Starkhaven not two months ago to help Prince Sebastian deal with the rebel mages. Apparently, she had been in the outskirts of the capital all along. According to eye witnesses, they shared a kiss in front of the crowd. And some people even claim she and him were seen inside the palace, kissing and entering her room...’

 He made a disgruntled noise, holding the bridge of his nose.

This is it. The damp is about to break. —she thought.

‘Curse it. A few moments ago, no one knew where to find her. Now she was seen as the king’s mistress, kissing and...’  he couldn’t take it anymore and swore many times, cursing her and calling her by vulgar names, all alluding to her being a scarlet woman  ‘I’m not sorry of the anger I felt, then. Here I was, playing the part of an idiot, hoping she’d still...she’d still remember me, she’d still care...but she had replaced me all along. She already belonged to someone else. All I could think at the time was: how could I have been such a fool?’

She knew where the intensity of these feelings came. Cullen always seemed calm in the surface. Beneath it, it was an entirely different matter. A passionate man lurked in the depths of his soul. Not that he frightened her. He had forever been the gentleman she expected him to be.

‘I felt my time in Kirkwall was done. There was nothing left for me. Only ashes. And then the Seekers of Truth came. I was interrogated by their leader, Cassandra and she commended me for my attempts to secure the city. She then extended her hand to me and invited me to leave. She needed all the help she could get to protect the Divine and avert an even worse crisis.

‘I had two enemies cornering me: the rebel mages at one side and the red lyrium smugglers on the other. If I stayed, it wouldn’t be long before the Templars crumbled under the pressure. It was too much to fight at once. Truth be told, I just wanted to forget all that and do something right with my life once more. Kirkwall was done. Now was the time to move on.’

‘And so I left Kirkwall that same morning and rode to Haven with the Seekers, where the Conclave would happen. I had left behind anything that could serve as a last link to her. I wanted nothing more to do with women. I was done chasing illusions. Another part of my life was about to begin. There was a task ahead of me, people who needed my advice and my expertise. I wrote to my family in South Reach, communicating my decision. And when I least expected, the past came chasing after me... But not quite in the way I had pictured.’

...

Cullen’s face abandoned all traces of hurt he felt toward Amell and now was stretched with a deep melancholy.

‘A messenger from Starkhaven intercepted us. The caravans stopped. He rode toward me, apologising profusely for the delay in the delivery and handed me this envelope. The civil war in Starkhaven, coupled with the rogue mages in the roads and the chaos in Kirkwall had all prevented the letter to be delivered on time. The seal of the Grey Wardens was intact, as well as the date scribbled: the letter was supposed to have arrived three years ago.’

Her heart jolted.

‘As he rode back to Starkhaven, I turned the envelope to see who the sender was and it almost fell from my hand. I was shivering. Physically shivering at that moment. Cassandra asked if I was alright. I couldn’t think straight.’

His voice was charged with emotion and a lump formed in his throat.

‘So she had replied. And all this time, I’d thought...’